Whoever said, "There's a sucker born every minute" (and to those, who even as you are reading this are thinking, "P.T. Barnum, ya stupid git" or words to that effect and to whom I must counter, "Nuh-uh, s'not - Google it") now, where was I? Oh yes, an illiteracy of idiots, a confederacy of dunces - well, let's just say they abound.
The vastness of the very vapid first became apparent to me in the mid-70's when the "Pet Rock" became such a sensation. I could see how it might've had limited appeal in say, New York City. Although let's be realistic, if, for reasons I still cannot fathom, we wanted to add a rock to the family, we would've had to go either all the way (three blocks) to Central Park or "to the country" to pick one out. We could however go and view them at The Met (four blocks), or on our very exciting forays (in taxi cabs through the park) to The West Side and The Museum of Natural History. This way we could visit them without all the responsibility and emotional attachment that might come with having a pet one.
I have, of course, now found, over several decades of not living in New York, that rocks are every-fucking-where! Not a day has passed since then that I haven't kicked, trod upon, tripped over, driven over or had ricochet off my windscreen, gravel, pebbles and rocks. This is Montana - we grow rocks here.
And yet - quite successful were those rocks in a box. Go figure.
At the moment, I am greatly perturbed by the popularity of something called a "Snuggie". Can there really be THAT many people who are ill-equipped to use a normal blanket? Except for the polyester part, back in the day, my people used to have the same thing - except we turned it around, added a smart little belt and called it a robe, FFS!
But wait - there's more!
Now there is some new thing that is a one piece body suit, that looks good on absolutely not. one. single. person in the commercial. It appears to be made of 151% fully flammable polyester and there is absolutely no way that anyone wearing this ensemble can look dignified. Ever. And yet, they'd have you think that it's what everyone is wearing now. There's at least one guy in the ad who, in a smart suit, could totally pull off Captain of Industry but alas, just as with the rest of the poor people in the ad, the only vision that this one piece suit really conjurs up is Polyester Cult Member.
Why am I talking such smack about polyester? Well, A) I really only like natural fibers - mostly cotton (I have a love/hate relationship with fleece and will only wear that which is either 100% cotton or has the very smallest amount of polyester) and 2) Other than that, what can I say - it's the same thing with Mandy Patinkin. Neither Mandy nor polyester have ever done anything to me personally, it's just that they both give me the creeps.
Let's face it, I ain't gettin' any younger and not only are the chances almost non-existent that I will ever get to retire - I may actually still have to work for another three years after I am dead - so it is clearly becoming incumbent upon me to come up with a better plan than the daily entry into the Publisher's Clearing House dealio. I wonder if they reanimate Ed McMahon now to give the winner the giant cheque or if it is someone else?
So, pet rocks, backwards robes and an outfit that screams, "Help me, I am being held hostage in some sort of wintery Jonestown. They're going to make us drink the hot spiced cider tonight".
I'm reasonably smart, why can't I think of something that stupid?
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