Smoke More Pot, Play More Music.

The older one gets, the longer the general cocktail party patter becomes about one's health or lack thereof. 

I would like to take this moment to address my young and able-bodied friends and family - I am SO not shitting you when I tell you to not take even one moment of your youth for granted.  That "perky" might be used to describe any of your body parts whatsoever is a time period that goes by SO fast that it is startling in hindsight.  And to have a body that works pretty much the way it was meant to, is a gift. 

Don't fuck it up.

My knees were already on their way out by the time I was 20 from playing sports and by 21, I had ruptured a disc in my back and now, at this point, my body is pretty much just straight up giving me the finger. 

About 35 years ago, I was high and listening to my beloved Supertramp, specifically the bass-line to "Even in the Quietest Moments", in headphones.  Really loud.  I realized at that time that I had totally forgotten about the stupid sciatica pain while I was concentrating on the music.  So, for me - I find it a useful tool and have used marijuana and music (listening or playing) for both stress and pain management since that time. 

I am fortunate to live in a state where medicinal marijuana is legal.  Unfortunately they are now trying to make it as difficult as possible - but that is a story for another time.  Fortunately (I guess) my brokenness does qualify me for a "green card" so I still use this method, lo these many years later.

Obviously there are pills involved as well.  I'm not insane (legally). 

As I now travel the maze of medical personnel, I am having to remember to do or say things to avoid the looks of grave concern on their faces.  It's mostly my blood pressure.  It really is okay - unless I am in a doctor's office.  I now make a record of my blood pressure for a few days before the appointment to hand in. Medical homework.

I was having a discussion with a friend today and said that I had done an experiment the night before my last doc appointment. Earlier that evening I had come home from the adorable preschool presentation of one of my tiniest bffs, so I got stoned (Bob Dylan said we must) and played my guitar for a half an hour or so and then took my blood pressure.  It was extra low. 

"What do you take from this?", my friend asked.

"Mostly that I should smoke more pot and play more music", I replied.

Easter: Now With Zombies!

Dear Vatican Department of Marketing & PR:

I am writing to you as an RC (Recovering Catholic - although let's be honest - who amongst us actually recovers fully?).  Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ, the guilt alone - oy!

I've mentioned in the past that I feel about religion the same way I feel about camping - I am glad that these activities exist for the many who find them enjoyable - please just leave me the hell out of it.

You pretty much lost me when I found out that the end of The Lord's Prayer was not, in fact  "And lead us not into Penn Station" but rather "And lead us not into temptation".  I still think I was right...

The Goddess only knows that during these times when religion has almost become a dirty word; a shield, behind which people try to hide to justify the most heinous of behaviours, that you guys have one extra big-ass PR problem on your hands.

It seems to me that you are missing a golden marketing opportunity to drum up membership and maintain loyalty amongst today's younger parishioners  - Yo! You two with the pointy hats over there, stop the winking and giggling.  You're not helping yourselves in the slightest, you know.  You people need to step into the, I don't know, 17th or 18th Century at very least. 

First of all - stop fixing that which isn't broken - why the hell would you strip some perfectly good Saints of their sainthood?  The ones that people had heard of and knew what they did? Like St. Christopher and St. Patrick - now travellers and Ireland are screwed. Great. Not really the way to win friends and influence people, IMHO.

You de-commissioned (or whatever) Limbo.  Mr. Harry Belafonte had always made it sound so fun.  Perhaps that was the problem - it was just sort of "Hell Lite", really.

Now that we have hit Holy Week and are sliding into the home base that is Easter - in order to attract the coveted 18-34 demographic - you should really be playing up the abundant gore factor of this otherwise pastel coloured holiday. 

It's all the rage now, vampires, zombies and the like.  You already have the whole crown of thorns and crucifiction bits plus you are also trying to sell the "See, he died on this one day and then three days later - Voilà! Apparently, he was rather less dead than originally thought and he rose again" theory.  Looking at this from a purely, uh, logical point of view: dead one day + not dead three days later = the undead or zombie. 

Also, if one guy rises from the dead three days later - who is to say that it didn't happen to others?  Certainly not all the time but clearly the mortuary sciences in general and embalming in particular were still a bit "hit and miss" back then but not to worry - you can totally use this to your advantage.

So, you can still keep the pastel coloured outfits avec chapeaux, the chicks (both real & marshmallow) & bunnies (both real & chocolate) - but in order to catch the attention of the preferred demographic you need to take advantage of the elephant (who coincidentally also used to be dead a few days ago and then now isn't) in the middle of the room and use it as your new catchphrase: 

Easter: Now With Zombies!

You're welcome.