Nigel Tufnel pain scale

My body came up with a way to celebrate both Veteran's Day as well as Nigel Tufnel Day.  Unfortunately, it was an executive decision in which I had not been consulted.  I so would've voted no.

Anyone who has been playing along knows that I have rather a lot of body parts that have just packed it in.  I don't mean to be whiny, just catching other people up. It started with a ruptured disc and sciatica in 1978 and it's just been downhill from there. I wondered if my doc's assistant (a lovely woman, really) was taking acting lessons on the side after calling me with the results of my x-ray's to tell me, in a rather dramatic delivery that I had "severe osteoarthritis" in my knees.  No cartilage. Nada. Zip.  Alright then, good to know. Thanks.

At the time of my heart attack, two and a half years ago - I would say that my daily pain, on the old 1-10 scale was maybe 5.  I think that because my body has been falling apart gradually rather than all at once it has allowed me to develop a fairly high threshold of pain.  I also think that like our parents' generation, we still hold a sort of "suck-it up and walk-it off" ethic.  I tried to walk off my heart attack for 20 hours before I finally thought "Yeah, this can't be good".  I just got lucky.

I was faithful about going to the physical therapy, but
unfortunately finally had to quit because they didn't listen to me.  When I explained that my knees and back no longer work all that well, I'd get, "Why don't we just do a mile on the treadmill?" We?  WE??  OK, well first, even when I had hit "Circus Fat" did I ever refer to myself in the first person plural. Please do not "we" me, lady.  I've been living in this body for almost 51 and a half years and I don't recall ever seeing you there.

Anyway, in my effort to be a good and compliant patient, I went along with it until finally I couldn't deal with the collateral damage that was being done to other parts. When I told them that we would be parting ways, the always upbeat lady said "Oh, that's too bad - we were doing so well" and all I could think was, "Yeah, well I'm beginning to feel like an only slightly more ambulatory version of James Caan to your Kathy Bates".  My daily average pain had wandered up to about 6.

Now I just go with stretching, five pound weights and dancing.  Just put on my iPod and rock out.  It's both cathartic and is flexible enough so that on the days that the same can not be said for you, you can just use the other parts that seem to be acting reasonably.

This past spring my body decided to give me a little something new to take out for a spin: bursitis in my right hip.  How craptastic.  It was pretty hideous for a couple of weeks and then faded back a bit.  It never went away completely but was behaving rather like a sibling who is waving his fingers 1/32 of an inch away from your face thus inciting the ballad of the back seat: "Make him stop touching me", "Nuh-uh, not touching, not touching".  Anyway, it never went completely away, it was no where near what it was in the beginning but it would continue to make its presence known.  I believe that I was being stalked quite frankly.  Up we go to 6.5 now being the very best for which I can hope.   Oh well, suck it up.

Just this past Monday, at some point in the mid-day, BOOM, full-on, "Hi, didja miss me? I'm baaack" in my right hip.  I am trying to maintain my sense of humour and remember that Maya Angelou said something to the effect of "Just because I have pain, doesn't mean I have to be one".

On Tuesday morning, I put in for refills of my pain meds because it can sometimes take a couple of days and I wanted to make sure I was covered for the weekend.  Today's pain is brought to you by the number 8.

Check-in at the pharmacy Tuesday on the way home from work.  Yes for my muscle relaxers, No for the hydrocodone.  Oh well, that was just a crap-shoot anyway. I still have a couple of my pills left. 

Wednesday morning, closing in on 9 territory.  I really hate when that happens.  Had to go do one thing that absolutely had to be done for work, went to check back at the Drug store. Nein.  Alright, still have another day or so.

Thursday - this is going to be my lucky day, I can just feel it in my bones.  And joints.  And tendons.  And muscles. And nerves.  No worries, I have two pills left (although three is what it takes to make even the slightest difference).  I get through the things that I absolutely, positively had to get sorted out at work and then on my way home at around 3:00pm, I was going to suck it up, put my head phones on loud, get food for the weekend, pick-up my pain meds, go home, make a nest of the 9 pillows I seem to require and spend the weekend laying on ices packs, etc. and really commit to not doing all of that ADD wandering about - just for a couple of days.

The prescription still has not come back - very frustrating because they really are usually quite good on both ends.  No pain meds on Thursday night. Ow.

Guess what happened this morning?  Did anyone guess bursitis in the other hip as well?  Alright then - gold stars on your foreheads.

Called the Pharmacy, the prescription is in, oh, wait but there is a hold on it because insurance won't pay for it until the 15th.  I only wished that this sort of thing surprised me anymore but I am, more often than not, the living embodiment of "If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all".  The young lady (they know me well there, and really always do their best to try to sort something out) said though that she could give me some of the prescription if I wanted to just pay the regular non-insurance rate.  Hell yeah, I'll pay anything.  Seriously, I'm at 9.5 and sinking.

Now, how to get there with the least amount of sceaming and swearing? ........Nope, never mind, there is no way - just off you go.  9.5 was my resting pain rate, certain movements, going up and down the stairs and in and out of the car for example, had me letting go with some humdingers.  No one can compete with a private catholic school girl when it comes to swearing. No. One.  

I was seeing stars at this point but made it to the shop, picked-up my meds and took them immediately when I got home.  I'm down to about a 7.5 which doesn't sound all that great but believe me, I am grateful since a couple of times today certain movements made me hit 11, just for a second, but still...

The irony of hitting an 11 on 1-10 scale on 11/11/11 has not been lost to me. It does not amuse me but I accept it.

Do not attempt to adjust your regular pain scale. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to... The Nigel Tufnel pain scale.