Don't Forget The Glitter.

It recently occurred to me that Keith Morrison of NBC's Dateline has a propensity for making everything he says sound creepy.  He could be reading fairy tales or nursery rhymes and all you could hope was that Chris Hansen would arrive imminently with his hidden camera crew to find out just WTF was going on here.

Upon further reflection I wondered just WTF was going on here and who decided that these generally horrifying stories should be read to small children?  And just before bed?  Some ye Olde Association of Therapists?  The only "fairy tales" that had truth in advertising were those by the Brothers Grimm.  Today they seem more appropriate to be episodes of, I don't know, "Law & Order".

For example, I'm pretty sure that Child Protective Services should've been called in for both the cases of Hansel & Gretel v. Stepmother as well as the old lady who lived in a shoe with so many children she...what's that?  Oh, her name is Nadya Suleman, the shoe is a stucco house and CPS has already been called.  Alright then, good to know.

Or Bambi?  Really?  Bambi, Thumper and Flower frolicking about the forest then BOOM, "Sorry, Bambi, your mother is dead".  I can still remember becoming almost inconsolable listening to this story on the record player (the VCR/DVR of the 50's & 60's).  If I had even ever seen a deer at that point, it would've been in the Central Park Zoo but it was the principle of the thing. 

And Little Miss Muffet?  Bitch, please - really not as innocent as it seems.  Particularly to the arachnophobic child.  If this goddamn spider is so big that it actually "sits" beside her then get Chris Hansen in here STAT because the odds that the local exterminator has released a gross of pregnant spiders from Three Mile Island to drum up business are pretty high.  Especially in this economy. 

So, after enduring wolves blowing down houses (and when they can't get work blowing down the houses then they are out wilding in the forest and stalking a young girl in a red hoodie who is just trying to get to her grandma's house) or hearing about a little blonde girl who had not just one but THREE bears break into her house (and again, where are that child's parents? ) this is then generally followed by "Well then, good night, dear.  Sleep tight." 

Sleep tight my ass! Didn't you hear the story you just read to me?  Oh please, won't you read me "In Cold Blood" or "Frankenstein" tomorrow night?  My sole consolation for many of these stories was the distinct lack of wildlife on the island of Manhattan however my stress levels elevated anytime we left "town" and went to "the country". 

Quite frankly, I would like to suggest that the term "fairy tale" be retired altogether unless it can be said with the proper reverence. This is a complete misnomer anyway - at least for those of us who know that a true Fairy Tale would have better lighting, more musical numbers and witty repartee.  Oh, and glitter. AND it would win Tonys, Emmys and Oscars.  And even the straightest dudes would be heard whistling the tunes - days later.

These stories of horror should henceforth be known as "Here's a little ditty that should start you well on your way down the yellow brick road of life-long insomnia".

Let's eschew (bless me) old school fairy tales and break the chain of reading stories about cannibalism, bear, wolf and atomic-size spider attacks and general death and dying to our children.  There's plenty of time for them to find out that life isn't fair. And that there are days when that is the best that can be said. Also, they really need their sleep.

Let's read the stories with the better lighting that show that all anybody wants is to be treated kindly or that being different is to be celebrated. 

Let's teach them happy and empowering songs and not something like, say, "Ring Around the Rosie" - 'cause really, nothing says "Yay, it's great to be alive" better than a song about The Plague.  Instead, teach them to lipsync to Miss Gloria Gaynor's, "I Will Survive" or, "And I Am Telling You" and perhaps for good measure, throw in "R.E.S.P.E.C.T". There are several valuable life lessons to be learned in these songs.

Children should know that sticks and stones may indeed break their bones but that a witty comeback is  often the best revenge.  Develop an extensive vocabulary.  Words good.

Oh, and don't forget the glitter...